My almost routine…. went right out the window this weekend. And food and chocolate went in.
Something occurred that unexpectedly upset me. Something didn’t occur that I was curiously anticipating. (Nothing major which makes me feel even sillier) Something I thought I could avoid snuck up on me anyway.
After a surprising disappointment and a silly disappointment, I wished my granny was around to talk with. She was a tough Ukrainian émigré, raised in the Yukon, till she meet my Air Force grandpa & married him. By the time I was around, she was running an East Texas farm, full of down-to-earth hard earned wisdom. We didn’t always understand or agree, but we always loved one another. The last few years of her life, I was lucky enough to live a couple of miles around the corner from her.
This week is the anniversary of her murder. The subconscious never forgets, even if your conscious is letting you pretend. I thought I was going to sneak by it. Be completely over it… Traumatic memories don’t loose clarity with time. When you are home alone, one can’t maintain illusion, if no one is there to observe. The most celerity way I can cope is to set a time limit and allow myself to immerse into the depths of poignant katzenjammer.
I wallowed. I napped (had nightmares really), cried, only spoke to one person(for less then 1 minute) on Sun. I ate pizza, tapioca, toast, home made hot chocolate full marshmallows, Baileys, Guinness.
What do you do to force yourself out to exercise when your heart is heavy? Do you work thru it or allow yourself the day to wallow?
Nothing for it but to develop a deeper understanding of self and to get back on the wagon (or bike in this case!)! This ought to be proof that I can be an emotional eater… And that emotion plays a huge part in ability. Success in my case will have to stem from completing an action (like exercise or refraining from eating/overeating) in spite of poor emotions. After all I did pay for that 5K, so I AM going to complete it!
Tomorrow’s another day. Opportunity for another beginning at my new routine.
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